


The Constant Pass of Time

by skimmedmilk (orphan_account)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Baggage, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Fluff and Angst, Healing, I made Yams sad :(, I use the Angst tag too much, Multi, Pain, Psychological Trauma, rarepairs, this is a vent fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-09
Updated: 2020-06-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:00:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24621247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/skimmedmilk
Summary: Yamaguchi was scared of time.ORAfter Tsukishima commits suicide, Yamaguchi is scared to continue with life. He's scared to take the first step, but he's scared of everyone leaving him behind too.So he needs to learn to take the hands given to him
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Hinata Shouyou/Kozume Kenma, Kageyama Tobio/Yamaguchi Tadashi, Kuroo Tetsurou/Tsukishima Kei, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi, Yamaguchi Tadashi & Everyone
Comments: 7
Kudos: 45





	1. Silence

Until recently, Yamaguchi Tadashi's life had been what some would call "peaceful".  
And he thought he liked the peace.  
It turns out sometimes the peace was just silence Yamaguchi Tadashi hated the silence. 

In the sleeping town of Miyagi, at 1AM in the morning every day, a boy would crawl onto his roof and talk to the moon.  
For the past 3 months now, the cold tile would scratch his thighs and leave calluses over his body.  
But every time, as if on cue, he would sit there and talk to the moon patiently.  
Today he was wearing a pair of SONY headphones and carrying a speaker on his way up.

"Hey Tsukki. Can you guess who's here again? Your mom gave me your headphones today. She brought everything else to the cemetery." he softly spoke, almost whispered. He knew everyone was asleep by now, but he'd rather have the quiet than the silence. It was almost scary how silent things got at night. Everything sort of just.... clocked out, turned off. Like there was an off switch somewhere that caused everything to fall flat, all the noises of the night to become nonexistent. That's why he chose to talk to Tsukki, wherever he was, at this hour. He couldn't bear the heavy silence, not anymore.

"Either way, I sometimes wonder where you are right now. Maybe you really are in the moon, like Shouyou said." Yamaguchi gave an oddly hollow laugh at this. Leave it to the human tangerine to continue spreading into their conversations.

After a long pause of wistfully gazing at the sky, he spoke again and his voice echoed off the sides of his house.

"I'm going to a training camp soon. My first one since you... left. It's been really painful. And I have to break it to Kuroo too...…" he broke off there.

"It's not like he didn't know, you'd probably be sad if we kept the truth from him. I just know that it hasn't come full force yet. He's still waiting to see you again. I don't know what I'm going to do with him. Maybe I'll give him that letter. You addressed it to him anyway, I should give it to him. Yeah, that's what I'll do."

Really, there is no point with all these formalities and small talk. Yamaguchi sighed, slowly and breathy.

"I guess I still miss you. Yes, I'm aware that everyone is moving on. It's been 3 months. Why, why can't I just pick myself up and be happy again? Why? Why am I stuck here, in the past, why am I here screaming my heart out while my friends, my family, YOUR family, walks away? WHY?" by this time, his voice had seized up and tears flowed down without him meaning it. The tears that he held back every morning, the tears he ignored in favor of wiping another's.

"Tsukki, I'm still here. So I keep asking myself why exactly you did it. I keep thinking what I did to you! Yes, it was me, wasn't it?" a hysterical part of him was rising to the surface, breaking past each of his blocks and bubbling out of his mouth.  
" So I'm a murderer now. First I have to deal with this and it's now I realize I have my best friend's blood on my hands. Why, though, Tsukki? What did I do.. to you....." that anger, that sudden hysteria had left him, and he was now an empty shell of tears. Everything he had bottled up had left him in a few blubbering sentences. But he was sure it would still be there, tomorrow morning when he rose again.

"Bye Tsukki. Thanks for listening."

Miyagi was silent again.

He hated the silence.


	2. Waiting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yamaguchi is scared for training camp.  
> So he does what he does best.
> 
> He pretends.

Yamaguchi Tadashi hates waiting.

The night before training camp, Yamaguchi wondered. He wondered about something placid and normal enough, his habit of waking up early. Usually at around 4 AM in the morning, actually. Maybe it was because seeing the sun rise over the horizon gave him hope. Maybe it was so he wouldn't instinctively wait at the bend around the corner for Tssuki. Whatever the case, it came in handy when he had to get to school a 4:45 AM so they could drive to Tokyo for a training camp. Very, very handy.

The walk to school was uneventful. He was well aware of the silence by his side, where he would normally listen to a random song played by a set of SONY headphones. It just made all he was doing become hyper sensitive to him. Slung over his shoulder was a lightweight backpack that had everything he would need. A strange decision, as everyone's clothing and items were loaded onto the bus yesterday. In the backpack was the aforementioned headphones, a volleyball, and a letter. The letter seemed to weigh the most. Probably the weight of what was written on it.

When he saw the school gates, he realized he had arrived, not at 4:45 sharp like he prepared, but at 3:40 AM. His nerves must've gotten to him, he reasons. He normally relied on himself to wake up, and hadn't touched the alarm clock on his desk for 3 months. Mostly because the clock was given to him by Tsukishima.

Why couldn't these thoughts just leave him alone today?

Waiting passed by quickly. The anxiety, heightened by fear, churned Yamaguchi's stomach and left a sensation similar to that of one falling into a bottomless pit. Overall not very pleasant. The sun, which had been weakly shining, had now climbed higher into the sky and warmed him. But the icy sensation in his veins would not leave him alone. Instead, it took over all of his senses, and he was left, sitting on the curbside.  
Waiting.

Did Yamaguchi ever mention he hated waiting?

He hated going to Tsukishima's house and waiting for someone who would never come. He hated waiting for someone to reply to all his questions. He hated waiting for a stinging remark on the freak duo every second he turned around. He hated practicing the confession he knew by heart now, waiting for someone to tell him where to fix it, where it was too generic or cheesy. He hated every time he-

"BOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HINATA BOKE GET OVER HERE YOU BOKEEEE!!!!!!"

"NEVER BAKEYAMA! STUPID POOPYHEAD!"

At least he wasn't waiting anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS SADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD  
> Anyways, I can probably update later TwT


	3. SEE YOU IN 2 WEEKS KIDS

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

IM GOING ON A VERY TEMPORARY HIATUS!!!

I'll be back in 2 weeks. I just need time to brainstorm and get my crap together.

BYEEEE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this without proofreading.  
> again :')  
> Expect updates 1-2 times per 2 weeks.


	4. Nightmares

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We back bitches.

Yamaguchi Tadashi hates his nightmares.

He really didn't know why they happened or what even happened in them. Okay, that was a half lie, he did know why they happened. But the other question remained on the table. Most of the nightmares were absurd or odd, each painfully resembling something that he couldn't quite place his finger on. He dreamed of broken glass and tight ropes and of constricting pain leaving no room to breathe. He dreamed of soft touches that burned across his skin and of lies and indescribable emotional tiredness. He dreamed like he wasn't him anymore. Like some sort of monster came out of hiding from his mind at night. And the worst part? He knew that that wasn't it. He knew that the dreams would only get more and more heart wrenching and aching as they went on.

So that's why he tried to sleep less. Sleeping, he reasoned, was the gateway to opening this cryptic world that only knew sadness and dull, muted colors. He rose early and slept late, trying to sleep only how much he needed to. Of course, no one knew of this habit, but a bundle of nerves inside him reminded him of how he was going to have to make excuses for his poor sleeping habits. As to avoid suspicion, he brought pills that had been prescribed to his mother for sleep and anxiety problems, in hopes they would ward the nightmares away.

So that's what brought him here. On a warm bus on their way to Tokyo, eyelids refusing to stay open and mind getting foggier by the minute (dang it, the sleeping pills were working a bit too well). Almost everyone on board had clocked out, save for Kageyama who was sipping on milk, Hinata, Ukai and Takeda (is it Tadeka or Takeda, i forget). He knew that sleeping would only make everything worse than not sleeping, as the first option would lead to him having to experience whatever happened in his mind. He was beginning to connect the dots, though, when it came to the dreams, which may be considered a slight improvement. Even if it didn't help with the actual dreams themselves, understanding something was just a step into knowing how to stop something, right? SO far, he only had one clue. The choking and the ropes may have come from.... the manner in which Tsukishima ended his life. That was all he had for his lead, and even at that it was far fetched. He did know Tsukishima had indeed used a noose to-

Yeah, Yamaguchi did not want to continue that thought process. He didn't want to start bawling on the bus and potentially make people question him. And there already was a 60% chance he would start crying already from the stress of what he would have to do at the training camp.

That was right, he had to break someone's heart today. Someone, being Kuroo Tetsuro, the boy Tsukki loved and the boy who loved him back. He was going to have to tell him that Tsukishima died, see the light slowly dim in his eyes just as the whole team's had when his death had been announced months ago. Yet they were still able to rebound, and Kuroo, even if it took him time, surely would to. Yamaguchi would be the only one left in the past. Such facts like these often had him wondering about his mental condition, in all honesty. Why was he stuck lingering with the pain and memories others had learned to deal with? And, building on that, why was he the one always giving the comfort when he needed it most? He knew that last question sounded selfish and pitying of himself. It felt icky when he thought of things like that. It felt easier to just let it slide, he thought.

Or maybe he was a masochist for his own pain, who knows?

While quietly pondering, he hadn't noticed how his eyes had fluttered shut. A brief tidal wave of tiredness swept through him and smothered the tiny place inside him protesting against it. Oh, it looked like the sleeping pills he'd smuggled earlier had finally worked. Maybe, just maybe this time, he wouldn't have to have the nightmares. Maybe he could just-

He had the nightmares.

This time was slightly different, but followed the same process. Across his mind's eye flashed broken glass, and he could hear gentle tinkling from the shards clicking together. It came, oddly enough, with a sense of finality. 

Oh no. He knew what came next.

Instead of following the usual feeling of constricting ropes, he felt betrayal. Surprising, but not in a good way. He felt betrayal so heart aching and painful that it sliced across him, worse than he'd ever felt. He saw nothing, but was swimming in a sea of pain and regrets and everything he could imagine in between. It hurt, so, so bad. Heck, receiving a spike from Iwaizumi was easier. This felt physical and mental, harassing and attacking his senses all at once. His clouded mind made one connection to another. Those pills must've made everything worse.

So, yeah, Yamaguchi hated nightmares. And maybe he hated sleeping pills along with them.


	5. Worrying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HEYAAIFHDSLRJFEFD
> 
> I’m sorry for short chapter, I have a bunch of stuff. This account is going inactive for the time tho, so I’m sorry. You won’t be seeing me for a solid month :’)

Yamaguchi hated seeing how everyone worried for him.

"Yamaguchi, can you hear me?"

"Guys, I think he's too out of it to respond."

"Like, do we pull over or-"

Yamaguchi sat up, drenched in sweat and gasping. Oh, the lords must have hated him to curse him with this. Everyone was going to think something was wrong with him, and, no, anything but that, they would WORRY for him. They'd look at him pityingly and treat him like glass. Everything, everything he tried to hide would be-

"Yamaguchi, are you ok?" Suga asked, worry in his eyes. Worry in everyone's eyes.

He hated seeing that worry if it was directed at him.

"Oh, I’m fine. It must’ve been anxiety, it is a training camp that was pretty short notice.”

Yeah, anxiety.  
Definitely anxiety.  
After all, he was breaking someone.

But he couldn’t bother anyone, that would worry them.  
And Yamaguchi hated worrying.

**Author's Note:**

> UPDATES COME ONCE A MONTH, ON THE LAST DAY OF THE MONTH.


End file.
